


One Pure Thought

by generalmayhem



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Cold War, Gen, HYDRA asshats, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Pre-HYDRA Reveal, Time Travel, bucky rescues himself, concrit welcome, i suck at spelling, winter soldier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 15:16:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8583259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/generalmayhem/pseuds/generalmayhem
Summary: Prisoner 314 talks to his shadow.  Sometimes, his shadow talks back.
It doesn't occur to him that he might be going crazy.  If he tries too hard to figure out what's real and what isn't, he might go insane.





	

Prisoner 314 was certain that his shadow was acquiring a life of its own. Yes, it seemed to move when he moved, and it was dark, it disappeared, just like everyone else's. In most respects, it seemed completely ordinary. But sometimes he's see it move around the room out of the corner of his eye, when he was left strapped down to the lab table. And when he was dragged back into the pitch black solitude of his cell it followed him faithfully, and he could feel its eyes scrutinizing him as it sharpened its knives. 

Once he mentioned it to his doctors.   
'will they make you forget everything too?'   
the doctor preparing him today peered down through his horned rimmed glasses . The prisoner thought, abstractedly, ' I once punched a man with glasses like that.'   
' my dear fellow, why would you think that?   
'he said you would loose all your memories. 'A long time from now.'  
'who did?'  
I can't remember. But doctor, there is something wrong with my shadow. They aren't supposed to move around on their own, are they? 

'Don't worry my boy.' The doctor wiped his head distractedly. 'I will make you all better.' on his chart, he scribbled a remeinder to himself to modify the prisoner's drug regimen. It didn't help. 

It never occurred to prisoner 314 that he might be insane. He had figured out a long time ago that if he tried to tease apart what was real and what was just in his head, he'd go crazy. 

He sips at the morning's nutritional shake, grimacing as he did so. ' I know that I used to drink something else, 'he confides darkly to the darkness. 'And it didn't taste any better, but it warmed me up from the inside, and made me feel alive '

The shake always left him feeling hungrier than he was before.

If he says or thinks anything bad about HYDRA he's found, he suffers from back-aching chills and intense bouts of nausea. Complaining about the drink, he reasons, is safe enough. It can't be worse than just swallowing the damn thing.

His shadow says nothing.

Later, the prisoner finds an orange in the corner of his cell. He know it is an orange, because it is the orangest thing he's ever seen, smelled, or tasted. He eats it whole, fearing discovery. The skin is bitter, but the inside tastes like liquid light, sweet and clean.

 

He has made it a hobby of watching his attendants, and figuring out what makes each of them tick, their likes and dislikes, their weaknesses, desires and foibles and the little melodramas of their daily lives. It's a helpful knowledge to have in this world, to get through the day with as little pain as possible. And besides, he knows roughly how far he could push any of his guards and handlers and still avoid punishment. So when the commander marches into his lair, grabs him by the shoulder, and slaps him in the face, he groans inwardly. 

'Who gave you that decadent fruit!' The commander shouts. Specks of spittle fly from his mouth and land on the prisoner's bare skin like flies. 

'I don't remember!' 

The commander wrings a couple of names out of him, before 314 finally pins the blame on his least favorite torturer. ' I thought it was for good behavior!' He wails.  
The commander paces. ' Vasinov hates you. He reasons.'  
'All the more reason to get me in trouble.'

The sound of leather hitting skin and Vasinov's wails of ' But I didn't do anything !' ring through the darkness, and keep the prisoner warm through the night, even as frost forms on the dull metal of the walls. There is a patch towards the end of one wall that is darker than the rest. 

'Sorry.'

'What for?'

The shadow paused. ' I wasn't trying to get you into trouble.' The prisoner figures that if he could see beyond the shadow's long, wavy hair, it would be making a face. There was something tantalizingly familiar about they way it moved- warliy, the way he himself did, but with far more grace.It was quiet like a hunter, the prisoner thought abstractedly, rather than silent like prey.

'you're a prisoner too, then?'

'used to be.'

'What are you now?'

The shadow was, if possible, even quieter than usual. 313 had to squint to see him breathe, and even then, that could simply be the movement of molecules in the air. 

“ before I was a prisoner, I was a soldier. And before that, just a boy. After they took me, I was an assassin. '

'and now?'

'I don't know. Not yet'

313 lays his head back and closes his eyes. 'I wish I was an assassin. If I had muscles like you, I'd break through the walls and I'd be out of here in an instant. A wave of illness rolls through his guts like a poisoned storm. He ignores it, because behind his slitted eyes he can se his shadow flinch, ever so slightly. 

'Don't do that. '

'what?'

'Treat people like machines. You'll end up worse than them.'

313 thinks there are worse things than being like them. They get hot drinks, and laughter, and warm clothes. The prisoner longs to be like them more than anything.

The shadow shakes its head like it is reading the prisoners mind, and lays a blanket over his shoulders.. 'Trust me. You're low right now, but you aren't them, and that count for way more than you could understand right now. 

'tell me'

Most of the world is better than this place- at least a little. You'll find that out, when you escape and make it past the blood and the snow.'

'When will that be?'  
Shadow turns away, like he has said too much and his voice is flat and cuts like liquid nitrogen.  
'not for a very long time.'

The next day, there is a new person on the prisoner's team of minders- a nurse. She is nothing like the pictures. She has wavy blonde hair, a sharp nose, and the fattest bottom he has ever seen. The prisoner has never met a woman before, and he doesn't want to be rude. He tries not to stare as she adjusts his legs in the chair, and when she glances up, he gives her a smile, and offers a flippant remark. She glares, tightens the straps to the point of cutting, and walks off quickly. The prisoner laughs- his hair is long and lank and knotted, he has no muscles to speak of, and he can't remember the last time he brushed his teeth. Oh. And he's missing an arm. It makes sense that she would want to avoid him. Still, deep inside, he knows that it has not always been that way. 

'Don't mind her' Shadow assures him.'She always had a stick up her ass the size of a lightning rod.'

'why?'

'The department that we are part of does not attract nice people. and she hates players on principle- one of them beats her daughter every day.'

'Oh.' 313 pauses to mull this latest piece of gossip over in his mind. 'Like me?'

'In her mind,you deserve it.'

'but I'm not him.'

'She doesn't care about that.'

The prisoner leans back. 'How is it that they aren't beating down the door with me talking this way? He squints. 'Hard to imagine them being happy about being left out on the lurch. They don't like it when they don't know something.'

the shadow leans against the wall with his arms crossed, exuding a certain amount of smugness. 'what they don't know won't kill them'. He cocks his head. 'well maybe it will, but that's their perogative. '

I've tampered with all the bugs.. They'll never know that there was anyone here but you.

“So I can say anything I want?' 

'yes.'

The prisoner scuttles closser anyways, lowering his voice to a level that only he and the Shadow could hear. 'Do you know who I was? Before?'  
His eyes catch the way the shadow freezes in surprise, and then relaxes. 

'Who told you there was a before?'

“The conditioning hits me the worst when I try to remember things. How I got here. 'I figure it's important.'

The Shadow smiles behind his mask. 'Clever son of a bitch, aren't you? You never fade quite as much as they's like to think. ' Yeah. I know a little. You were a soldier -we served together and were caught around the same time. You came from New York. Brooklyn.'

Try as he might, the prisoner could not wring an inkling of recognition from these names.

'how long have I been here?'

The shadow slumps. 'I don't know.' He admits. 'Long enough, but these are just the early days, for you.'

The prisoner wonders how they could have been caught around the same time, but that the Shadow seems to have been there so much longer. He does not wonder long though. The forbidden conversation has him vomiting through half the night.

 

There is very little time to mull over the quandary after that. Over the next few days he is preoccupied, and he sees very little of his quiet companion. It is testing week, and then training week, as the doctors work to improve him. He spends five nights without sleep as well as hours walking over burning hot floors and running through the snow to track his progress. They cut him open and measure his insides. He is made to practice shooting living targets, which he does quickly, cleanly, and without hesitation. Last time, when he balked, he was forced to watch as they were tortured to death. 

'why are you doing this? He shrieks at one point.

The trainer stops, assessing him with pale eyes. 'To make you better.'  
'I don't want to be better. '  
The trainer laughs and shakes his head. You will not be like us, you will be far more than any human has ever been. What's wrong, Petruskshka? Don't you trust me? We have been friends for so long, you can't possibly believe I would lie to you now. 

 

'Sevrin Sonovabitch says we are friends.'

'what do you think.'

'They say they want to make me better.'

The shadow leans back 'And?'

313 hunches closer to him, chasing the warmth. I don't..... I don't understand. What was wrong with me to begin with?

'see, true friends want better for you, not to make you better. 

Are you my friend?

The shad laughs, a dry, bitter sound like a scab pulling off a patch of skin.

'No. I'm many things, but not that.'

'then why are you here? You could leave any time you want. Are you going to take me away?'

But shadow is already shaking his head. 'At this point you're the only one who could rescue you. '

'thats not fair! The Prisoner snarls and launches himself at the Shadow. He hits only wall. 'I've tried and I've tried to get myself out of here, I've killed myself in a hundreddifferent ways. They've just dragged me back and started all over again. . Then they hurt me even more so I'd know what happened when I went against them .'

' I don't know any specifics' he continues, quietly, 'But I know what happened afterwards.- they made sure of that' It doesn't matter what I think or do- I have no power over me or them. A heavy ripple of sickness ripples through him. He curls up.

I'm offering you a choice.'

'why?'

'Because nobody else does.'

 

'well shoot.'

You give the word, and I could have you out of here in two minutes. I'll get you across the border. I'll give you clothes and a car. The rest would be up to you. You could go back to New York. You could see your mom again.' he paused. 'and I could give you your memories back.'

313 leans forward, despartely clinging to the the shadow's arm. 'I have a mother?'

The shadow ploughs forward, cutting, ruthless.' Or you could stay here, decade after decade. Do you know what they are trying to do to you?

313 shook his head. 'If I knew, by now the've made me forget. '

'Exactly. They want you to forget. They've taken away your name, your family, the things you loved and hated, and fought for. They want you forget that you ever had a life outside of them. And pretty soon, they'll succeed. The'll keep you in cold storage and thaw you out from time to time to do their dirty work, and every time you wake the world will be foreign. You'll do all they ask of you and more, without question, just a dog to be barked at, or a machine to be programmed.

Eventually you will make it to the other side. But by then you'll have such a deep stain on your conscience that you'll never wash it out.

This time it is the soldier who is curled up. For the first time, the prisoner can see the weight that hangs around his shoulders. The misery that gnaws at his bones

'I'm asking you to take the second option'

The prisoner scoffs quietly. 'you got a real good sales pitch going there, pal.'

'It's the only way to destroy Hydra for good, and save millions of innocent lives. Otherwise, they will win, in the end.   
'I don't see what that has to do with me.'

'let me show you. ' He opens the door.   
'How did you do that?'

It was not locked. At least as long as I've been here'

The Prisoner pauses, and the shadow kneels down.'

'Are you so afraid to leave your cage already, soldier? Once you would walk through a field of bullets to save your comrades. You would face men twice your size to protect those you loved. You were given a chance to leave the war that almost killed you and you chose to stay. In New York, you are venerated as a hero. '

'How do I know any of this is true?'

The assasian looked at him, and the prisoner could almost see his eyes through his goggles. There was something familiar about them. 

''Come this way. It's no use asking you to make this choice, without giving you the full set of data.'

The prisoner nodded. The questions of his past unsettled him like footprints unsettled the dust in an abandoned room He wanted to know who he was when he dreamed at night, if only for now.

He settled into The Chair, as the shadow consulted his notes fiddling with the dials on the machine every so often. 

'Have you ever done this before?'

the shadow laughed. ' I have watched them do this to me enough that I shouldn't have a problem working this machine myself.'

313 did not find this revelation comforting. 

'Settle in. ' the shadow placed the mouthguard into 313's mouth. 'This will lift the blockade they have put on your memories, and when I am done.... The prisoner lost the rest of the sentence to a bright flash of light and agony. 

The prisoner- no Bucky Barnes he had a name!- rose from the seat resurrected. 

'I want you to have a full understanding of what I am asking of you. ' Shadow took off a glove, revealing a hand that glinted silver in the diffused moonlight. A quick tap of a panel had it unfolding like a doctor's diagram, and started worrying at the innards with a set of tweezers. Finally, he found whatever he was looking for, and deposited it in Bucky's hand. . Buck peered into the darkness at what looked like a tiny blue grain of sand, glinting in the darkness. 'For you.'

'What is this?'

It's the last remaining piece of the tessaract. That's what they're using to control you. The waves of nausea? The dissapearence of your memories? The days you can't remember passing?? This is what's responsible. 

' That's a lot of trouble for such a tiny thing.'

You knw Hydra's motto-

'where one head falls two more will appear. How can I forget?'  
In the original myth, the Hyrda is killed when the hero gets by all those heads and stabs it through the heart. This is hydra's heart. '

'Right now, it's inside hydra's one and only computer. Soon they will put it inside you- to better control you. It will be the centerpeice of their network, which will spread its ugly tendrils all over the world, each year, more reliant on computers than the last.'

And when the time comes, you'll have access to their every dirty little secret. And when all that information hits the sunlight-

'they'll crumble' Bucky finished. ' Good lord haven't I done enough? I've spent every little particle of my being fighting these bastards. I've given my life twice because of them- twice? And still, I keep going. Who are you to ask anymore from me?' The misery of all that he had lost hit him, not like the churning waves of his programming, but like a tsunami, carring him helpless through a sea of emotions carrying him far, far, away

Bucky surged forward, grabbing the shadow by its very corpreal arm, and swung the hardest punch he could- with no result. He stumbled back, Laughing perhaps more than was warrented in that kind of situation.

'I tried to hit you with the wrong arm'  
'The one you don't have anymore.' the shadow finished. 

'who the hell are you? Steve, is that you? He curled up, his head pressed against the wall. 'No. Steve would have come for me a long time ago.'   
.   
He heard the click as the shadow took off its goggles, and the change in its breating as it removed its mask. He felt its hand- its right hand, made of flesh and bone, squeezing his shoulder.

'I already told you. I'm not your friend. And the only one who can save you is yourself'

Bucky slowly lifted his head from his hands, and looked into his own eyes. 

'recognize me?'

'you're my future.'

'I am. And I'm sorry. I really am. I've searched for any way- any other way of getting us out of here, without causing millions of deaths down the line. ' The shadow swallowed heavily. 'I wish more than anything there was another way.'

'What happens after?'

'lots of things. But eventually, you'll get to be with steve that's all that matters.' 

'Steve's dead.'

'nah. He's just resting 'til the world needs him again. '

bucky snorts. He didn't believe his future self in the least, but at this point, being dead was probably the best thing that could ever happen to him.

So what next?

The winter soldier shrugged. I add a few tweaks and loopholes to your programming- nothing that any of our snakey friends would ever would bother to check- so that when you get to the end of the line, you''l be ready.

'all right doc, hook me up.' he settles back into the chair, attempting to act nonchalant about it. He watches the winter soldier creating the nessary loopholes in his programming with heavy eyes. 

'are you sure they won't see that?'  
'they'll think it's supposed to be there. The best way to hide something is in plain sight.' The winter solder tightens the straps around the head and the chest. 

'wait what are you- the mouthguard is shoved into his mouth

'you think they won't notice if you're suddenly remembering more than you should? Bucky struggles, and the dial turns. 'You will never know I was here- not until you are ready.' Slowly he dissolves into a shower of agony and light.

 

'doctor? Prisoner 313 pauses. 'I had the strangest dream.'   
'About what?'  
I don't remember. But somebody told me that you were going to loose all of your memories, a long time from now.'  
The doctor frowns, and the prisoner thinks 'I once punched someone with glasses like his. Or was it his tie?   
'how is your shadow today?'  
'what about it? There's nothing wrong with my shadow.'  
The doctor records the progress in the prisoner's drug regime, and wipes his brow.

Far in the future, the asset completes its update on Hydra's databases. It nods in satisfaction at the latest step in its mission. THE mission. The one that he gave himself, the one that would make him better, once and for all.


End file.
